Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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