margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
sex in a hospital.. check
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
