How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
