i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
