WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
