I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
