i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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