mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
