He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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