At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
