Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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