so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
