Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
