and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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