I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
