So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
