Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
