Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My balls are so social today.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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