and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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