I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
