Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
