I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
