He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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