YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
