This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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