she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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