he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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