ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
