plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
