Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
