the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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