im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
