wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
