I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
