wake up i wanna do it froggy style
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
