Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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