lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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