John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
