i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
