There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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