I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
