I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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