awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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