I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
