Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
