This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
