in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He? As in you personified your dick?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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