Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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