I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
