JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I want a musical about memes.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
