Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
