Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
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I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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